Getting Older
We have been aging since birth, which is not a new idea; we just notice further changes. Indeed, we observe changes in the mirror, the reflections of faces interacting with us, the reactions, sometimes negative, and the physical discomfort we experience. We also witness the family members around us approaching the end of their lives and managing health, as well as mental and physical challenges. We grieve with anticipatory sorrow, which is prevalent in our own lives.
Growing older simply means growing older.
What I want to address is becoming an Elder...
Becoming an Elder
Indigenous communities define Elders as knowledgeable leaders and storytellers, providing clarity through their experiences and expertise. Hafiz (circa the 1300s) described the spirituality of aging and possibly a connection with God, the Universe, and something greater than ourselves. I think of historical Elders such as Mandela, who, after spending three decades in prison, became a president, or Jane Fonda, who continues to advocate for human rights. I think of the textile designer Iris Apfel, who built empires at 100. Teiichi Igarashi climbed Mt. Fuji in his 90s. Gandhi, Col. Sanders, John Glenn, or, as I read, Theodor Mommsen won the Nobel Peace Prize in his 80s, Betty White, and Toni Morrison. All these men and women discovered, or continued, to pursue their dreams, passions, and their purpose.
I genuinely believe that one of the pleasures of growing older and achieving is that you are beyond caring about what others think and can simply say, "I don't care," and just do it!
My grandmother "Oma" was in her mid-80s when her husband of 60 years passed away. For the first six months, we all thought she would soon follow him. When I spoke with her, I suggested trying just one change, even if it made her uncomfortable. She attended a class reunion in her village and met a man, a man in his late 80s, and they began seeing each other and fell in love. Now, I'm not talking about a gentle, platonic companionship, no-sex, just taking a walk down the street kind of love. No. I'm talking about passionate, spending the day in bed, physically intimate and affectionate, behaving like high schoolers kind of love. They were together for seven years until his passing. Hafiz wrote, "This sky is no place to lose your wings, so love, love, love." I am reminded of Neil Diamond's song "...And each one there had one thing shared. They have sweated beneath the same sun. Looked up in wonder at the same moon. And wept when it was all done For bein' done too soon" (I adore that phrase).
What am I trying to convey? Dreams still reside within us! Once again, dreams still reside within us! Even if we don't fully understand their realization yet, the purpose, passion, and pleasure are present!
In the words of Lao Tzu:
"Our life has not been an ascent up one side of a mountain and down the other. We did not reach a peak, only to decline and die. We have been as drops of water, born in the ocean and sprinkled on the earth in a gentle rain. We became a spring, and then a stream, and finally, a river flowing deeper and stronger, nourishing all it touches as it nears its home once again. Don't accept the modern myths of aging. You are not declining. You are not fading away into uselessness. You are a sage, a river at its deepest and most nourishing. Sit by a riverbank sometime and watch attentively as the river tells you of your life."
(Oh, Lao Tzu, you gentle soul!)
Becoming an Elder means reminding ourselves and each other that we must rise and form a community. Isolation is a true poison that leads to sickness, disease, and mental unwellness. It is by finding our tribe, our community, that we remember we are stronger together. For instance, if someone had a dream of constructing an eco-village in the countryside, that person's dreams might be surrounded by mental challenges like a moat around their castle. Alone, that person may dwell, wallow, and struggle in the challenges; however, within a tribe, another person may step up and say, "I have 50 acres and would be happy to share 10 acres with you. Another tribe member mentions being a former builder and offers assistance, and so forth. Elders can bring their experience to fruition.
Isolation is less preferable compared to being part of a tribe or community.
Elders who have retired from a career are emerging from Plato's cave, facing the bright sunlight that may initially make it difficult to see their path or purpose, but gradually their vision adjusts, and they perceive this beautiful world. Of course, we still have the reality of aging parents, Alzheimer's, and health issues...if we remain stuck in this reality, it can overwhelm us, incapacitate us, and lead to various mental health issues such as depression, anticipatory grief, etc.
One small change, one step, is all I request.
One step towards our dreams, towards an opportunity, towards community, towards togetherness, just forward movement! Don't know what your dream is right now? That's okay. Go with the flow! But, do it within a community, not alone, isolated. Community, fellow tribespeople, bring laughter, dance, song, experience, closeness, touch, affection, physical expression, sexual relations, and that alone is joyful and lifts us out of our murky thoughts.
So, Elders understand the power of community, the strength of their experiences, and their wisdom. They are Sages. They look back only to see how far they have come (K. Seokjin) and if we can't seem to shake off our funk, our mud, then our community lends us a helping hand. That is the beauty of aging and becoming an Elder.
Nietzsche wrote" You must die several times while living, to reach immortality" I interpret this as a challenge that will be faced however through them is the beautiful sunshine that heals. Yes, we are aging however, we are also living. An Elder chooses to live.
How remarkable are all of us for taking this path together to remind ourselves of the power of aging?!!
Please share your stories with me and how aging, retirement, and later years have changed your life. Include challenges, joys, and thoughts, as it all matters. If I choose your story for the new book, you will be notified. All names are anonymous in the book.
Warm regards,
Dr. Andrea Holzner
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